Kevin Bloody Wilson - Festival Of Farts tab

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I come from an outback town where fuckin nothin grows
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No wheat no sheep so we cant even host an annual show 
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But we got somethin special there that sets our town apart 
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Coz each year in a shed we hold the festival of farts
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Theres displays and competitions And entries from afar 
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And those that cant get into town just send in little jars 
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And old fat sarge the local cop with clipboard and a pen
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Unscrews the lid and takes a whiff then scores em 1 to 10 
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He'll give you 2 points for Aroma 
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2 for the bouquet 
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2 for fermentation 
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And 2 more for decay 
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And two for presentation of the fancy little jars 
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And a medal for the best fart at the festival of farts 
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And you should see the mob this year That cramed into the shed 
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Hear the big guns blazing In the farting talent QUest
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With old sarge on a megaphone as he reads the riot act 
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'' Now settle down you bastards, can you hear me at the back 
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Now we'll give em all a go alright, and butt them cigarettes 
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And any of you cunts play up tonight, i'll bust ur fuckin head''
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And he unfolds his directors chair And squats on his fat arse 
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To adjudicate the entries in the festival of farts 
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He'll give you 2 points for Aroma 
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2 for the bouquet 
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2 for fermentation 
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And 2 more for decay 
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And two for presentation, style and grace and class
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And a medal for the best fart at the festival of farts 
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Then the crowd roars its approval As the first bloke lets one go 
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Fuckin thunder from down under To open up the show
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Then a double burblin gurgler With a chilli afterburn 
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Then a downdraft knacker clanger Shit that must have fuckin hurt 
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And the silence single singer That took us by surprise 
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And a notchous nostril burner That brung tears to our eyes 
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And old sarge the cranky bastard Sat there adding up the marks 
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As popular as embroids at the festival of farts 
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coz he'll get 2 points for Aroma 
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2 for the bouquet 
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2 for fermentation 
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And 2 more for decay 
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And two for presentation, style and grace and class 
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And a medal for the best fart at the festival of farts 
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But the highlight of the show this year Was two kids with a goat
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That they'd fed on rocks and rotten eggs And dragged in on a rope 
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And as one young fella grabbed his horns to line old billy up 
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His mate just warned the ground the goats arse and feck kicked him in the 
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guts 
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And that old goat fired a fuckin beauty Like a shotgun goin off
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 And fired a lethal load of gravel shrapnel Scared shit out of the mob 
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And as they all dived for cover and hit the deck in fear 
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Old sarge just kept on markin buck shot whizzin past his ears 
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He'd give em 2 points for Aroma 
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2 for the bouquet 
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2 for fermentation 
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And 2 more for decay 
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And all in all that bloated goat had probably scored a ten 
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Except his fartin shit and shot old fuckin sarge arse over head 
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Then with all of the confusion And no cunt keepin score 
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And old sarge fuckin screamin They just pissed off out the door
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And even when the dust had settled No-one seemed to care 
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that they'd fucked off with the medal Coz they'd won it fair and square 
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That goat got 2 points for Aroma 
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2 for the bouquet 
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2 for fermentation 
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And 2 more for decay 
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And three big cheers from all of us For pay back on old sarge 
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and a medal for the best fart at the festival of farts
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That goat got 2 points for Aroma 
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2 for the bouquet 
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2 for fermentation 
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And 2 more for decay 
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And three big cheers from all of us For wingin poor old sarge
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and a medal for the best fart at the festival of farts
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